


Scar Tissue

by brokenspell77



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Fluff, Guilt, M/M, talk of scars, talk of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-18
Updated: 2017-02-18
Packaged: 2018-09-25 10:31:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9815894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenspell77/pseuds/brokenspell77
Summary: Still awake in the early hours of the morning Robert has guilt and regret steadily building up over what he said to Aaron about his self harming. With the couple soon both awake a very open and honest conversation takes place.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Just a warning that there is mentions of Aaron's self harming and scars in this.

**Scar Tissue**

 

 

The moon was full and high in the night sky, a beacon of light that lit up the village as barely a cloud hid the stars from shining out of the expanse of black canvas. It was a balmy summer night and the bedroom was bathed in a soft glow and Robert was restless. He was tossing and turning, unable to get comfortable and rest. He couldn't switch his brain off. Still as wide awake as he was hours ago he let out an annoyed grumble and looked over to the digital clock on the bedside cabinet.

02.33am

He and Aaron had called it a night after a few beers with Adam and Victoria around three hours ago and Aaron had fallen asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow after a long days work at the scrapyard. Robert looked over at his boyfriend, a peaceful look over his features as soft breaths and snuffles came from his slumbering form. He smiled thinking how lucky he was to have Aaron back. Especially after the mistakes he made. Those mistakes still haunted him and he harboured a deep sense of guilt inside.

Robert sat up and reached out for his glass of water and quenched his late night thirst. He realised that he'd probably regret gulping down so much in a few hours when he'd need to piss. And most likely that would happen either soon after he finally fell asleep and disturb his sleep or when he was on the verge. He set the glass back down, but accidentally knocked his phone and it clanged off the bedside furniture before hitting the floor.

Aaron's eyes flickered open as Robert leant over the edge and picked up it back up. He looked apologetically over at his lover. ''Sorry.''

''What time is it?'' Aaron asked as he rubbed at his tired eyes.

''Just gone half two.''

''Can't sleep?'' Aaron asked.

''What gave you that impression?'' Robert retorted with his trademark sarcasm.

''Alright sarcasmo!'' Aaron chuckled. ''Why can't you sleep?''

''Can't switch my brain off.'' Robert replied vaguely. He considered blaming the heat and the stifling temperature in their bedroom as a way to hide the truth. Words raced around his head, echoing in his ears. Harsh words. His words. Words he wish he could take back.

Aaron turned to him fully intent on listening to whatever his boyfriend needed to say. He could see Robert needed to get something off his chest and Aaron needed Rob to know he could say whatever he needed to with him. ''What's on your mind?''

Robert contemplated for a moment. He looked across to his obviously exhausted boyfriend and ran a thumb along Aaron's jaw. ''Nothing. It doesn't matter.'' He smiled trying to deflect Aaron's curiosity. ''Go back to sleep.''

''Clearly it does.'' Aaron knew Rob was never keen to open up, it was a trait that both of them possessed and needed to work on. He could see how far Robert had come in opening up and letting Aaron in and the fact that their relationship was public knowledge and that Rob had fought for him showed him that. Aaron himself had let down some of his defenses and well crafted barriers. ''Talk to me.''

Robert just stared at his partner, lost at how to articulate his feelings. Normally he had no issue with expressing himself; anger, wit, sarcasm and vitriol, they all came naturally. However deep, emotional and sensitive topics were a whole different ball game. He met Aaron's gaze and the familiar feeling of guilt crashed into him with the strength of a tornado. The force relentless and violent as it dragged him into the eye of the storm. The echoes sounded, repeating and blaring like a scratched CD. Robert swallowed the lump in his throat, but the words still wouldn't materialise. He didn't know where to start. He was unsure, nervous and frightened that by bringing up the past it would affect what they had now. He reached out for Aaron's arm and he looked over the scars, his fingers started running gently over the most prominent. The cut that nearly took Aaron away from him.

He saw Aaron's brow crease at his actions and he finally found his voice. One thing was certain he couldn't stand the guilt, he needed Aaron to know he meant none of it. That he was the most precious thing in his life. ''I'm sorry.''

''For what?'' Aaron asked bemused.

''My fault.'' Robert whispered as his fingers still ghosted over the raised skin. ''I feel guilty.'' He bitterly regretted every callous and vicious word. But that was what he did best, when backed into a corner, when faced with a challenge or argument he'd lash out and zero in on his opponents weak spot. And he knew Aaron's. He exploited it. Belittled him. He betrayed Aaron and now that Robert was a changed man, a change that was for the better and all due to the man led beside him, he hated himself for uttering those words, he wanted to erase it from history and it ate him up inside that he hurt Aaron so badly.

''You're not to blame.'' Aaron reached out and made Robert meet his eyes. ''Why would it be your fault?''

''The things I said about you cutting. All the stuff I put you through...''

''That's not important now.'' Aaron said defiantly, meaning every word. He had witnessed the change in Robert. The side that Aaron got to see when no one else did during the affair was the true Robert Sugden. The man he fell in love with. Others were starting to see it now too, and if some people were too blind to see all that Robert had done for him, done for his family, then that was there problem. Not his. And definitely not Robert's.

''I made so many mistakes and wasted so much time. I put you through hell and I just wish I could take it all back.'' Robert's voice was quiet and waivering and Aaron couldn't quell the emotions building up inside of him at seeing the often hidden vulnerable side of his lover.

''We both made mistakes, but we got through it. I mean we're here, together, now.'' Aaron whispered as he stroked gently up and down Robert's back. That was undeniable, mistakes had been made on both sides. Secrets, lies, violence, but so much had changed. Robert had changed. Aaron had changed. _They_ had changed. Together.

Robert sniffed trying to contain his emotions. ''I never meant what I said about running a mile when I saw you with your top off. Or the stuff at the scrapyard.'' Robert looked directly at him and his eyes were shining, the blue so vibrant in the moonlight. ''The truth is I could never runaway from you. I tried. I tried so hard to bury how I felt, but I couldn't. I fell in love with you so quickly and I couldn't stop. I won't ever stop.'' Robert took a deep breath as a tear slipped free. ''You know...''

''I know.'' Aaron nodded before kissing him gently. He rested his forehead against Rob's and they just breathed. They took in the moment. Just them. Together in the silence of the dead of night. ''We messed up.'' Aaron whispered. ''Both of us. But in some strange way I think it's made us stronger now. I tried to stay away, just like you did and I couldn't. And I know I'd rather have you right here beside me than to not have you in my life at all, Robert.''

''I wish I could change things. Make it easier on you.'' Rob whispered as his eyes fell back to Aaron's scars. It hadn't escaped his notice that when they rekindled their romance that for the first month or so Aaron kept his top on. The guilt weighed heavier on Robert with every passing day and he knew he was the reason why. Whenever Rob had tried to remove Aaron's sweater or t-shirt he would quickly take control and distract him. It wasn't until Rob surprised him one morning by waking him up and kissing over every mark tenderly that Aaron finally relaxed and let Robert see his body in its entirety again, and since that morning Rob had tried to pour every apology, every regret into his affection, tried to kiss away all the hurt he caused to the love of his life.

Aaron followed his line of vision looking at the scars etched into his skin. ''Rob...listen I never cut myself because of you. All the stuff I've been through; Jackson, Gordon...'' Aaron's voice cracked as the tears slipped free. He took a shuddering breath trying to steady himself as Robert inched closer and squeezed his arm in reassurance. ''You made things better. You kept me going. You were my hope, that someday we could have this.'' Aaron hurriedly wiped away his tears, yet more fell just as quickly. ''Cutting helped me cope. With the guilt and anger, the shame, the memories. Sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating and no matter how hard I try I just can't breathe. But when I hurt myself, when I bleed I let some of it go. Just for a bit. And I can breathe again.'' Aaron sobbed as he revealed his deepest thought and feelings like had never done with anyone else before. The fortress he constructed at such a young age crumbled in front of Robert and Aaron still felt safe and secure. He trusted Robert. He believed in Robert. He loved Robert.

''I don't want you to hurt yourself anymore. I want you to talk to me.'' Robert urged as he felt the overwhelming need to protect and care for Aaron. He wiped away his tears and hugged him tightly needing to hold him close.

Aaron nodded. ''I'll try.''

''I can't lose you, Aaron.'' Robert held his face in his hands and left a lingering kiss on trembling lips. He then raised Aaron's arm and kissed over every mark that marred his skin. ''You're the bravest person I've ever met, you know that?'' Aaron shook his head and scoffed, but Robert made him look at him and wanted him to understand and believe every word because it was the truth. ''You are. I know I've done things to hurt you, but I promise I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make you happy.''

''I've hurt you too, Rob. But I'm telling ya, you shouldn't feel guilty. Not about this.'' Aaron gestured to the cuts on his body. ''You help.''

Robert smiled as the rough winds of the tornado he was caught up in started to subside and the weight of his guilt eased off his shoulders. ''You're gorgeous.''

Aaron let out an embarrassed chuckle. ''Shut up.''

''You are. And you're mine.'' Robert declared with pure sincerity.

''Yeah, I'm sure I look great with all these scars.'' Aaron rolled his eyes as he shook his head and sniffled. Despite being more comfortable in his body with Robert lately, he still looked at every mark, every scar as a disfigurement that should be hidden.

Robert led down and pulled Aaron tightly into his body. ''You're perfect to me. Every inch of you. They just remind me how strong and amazing you are.''

Aaron breathed in the scent of his lover and couldn't help the smile that graced his face. He looked into Robert's tired eyes and kissed him tenderly. ''You make me strong.''

In his head Robert disagreed. It was the opposite. Aaron had made him strong. He had helped Robert accept his sexuality, to understand who he was as a person and not be afraid of people judging him. Aaron had made him strong. Stronger than he'd ever been in his entire life.

''I'm sorry for waking you up.'' Robert mumbled into Aaron's hair as he ran his hand up and down his back.

''Don't be. Think you can sleep now?'' Aaron asked as he kissed Rob's neck.

''Yeah. Yeah, I think I can.''

Aaron turned onto his other side and Robert cuddled up behind him nuzzling at the back of his neck. The destructive noise of the storm in Robert's head had fell silent, not even a breeze lingered. Aaron had put his mind at ease and he hoped he had done the same for Aaron. He had meant every word he said to his boyfriend. He was gorgeous from head to toe. No scars would change the way he felt or looked at him.

To Robert Aaron was everything. Everything he wanted. Everything he needed.

Opening up was still a difficult process, but with Aaron he felt he like he could do anything. He had accepted himself fully and completely and embraced who he is. He felt peaceful next to his lover, the tension seeping from his body whilst wrapped up warm and close with Aaron. As the clock neared three am he finally joined his boyfriend and finally fell into a deep and contented sleep.

...........................

**Author's Note:**

> I had this idea in my head for a while as it has never really been addressed since the reunion. Hopefully despite it being sad and emotional you enjoyed it. It was a hard story to write though, so I'm really nervous that it's terrible and I haven't been able to pull it off in the manner in which I intended.
> 
> Follow me on Twitter if you wish @brokenspell77


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